i need an iv and a liver transplant
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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