At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
