my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
