I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
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Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
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I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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