zippers are such a cool invention
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
