i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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