Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
