where am i from again
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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