$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish you could order shots online.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
