my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
