so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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