new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
