theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
