I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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