I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
