Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
