And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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