Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
