My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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