Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
