hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
