There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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