You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
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I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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