I feel great
I just peed on a car
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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