The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
