He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
