just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
