I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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