im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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