My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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