i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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