Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
