wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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