im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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