Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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