my shit smells like andre
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
