listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
