He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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