im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
