i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
