My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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