He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
