i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
