You're my little dorito
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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