Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
