I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
A+ Viking dick
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
