all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
