I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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