I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
