I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
