I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
