don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
