Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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