But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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