i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
