we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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