i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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