apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
