I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize