i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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