so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
